Home OpinionComrade Tichatonga 365 April Fool’s Days in Zimbabwe

365 April Fool’s Days in Zimbabwe

by commuadmin

100 days what-what, CSC re-opening doors, re-engagement, rule of law, anti-corruption drive, the list is endless Comrades. Nhai Nahenda Nyakasikana, tichazoveriniko… haa nxaaa mahin! It wouldn’t be a far-fetched statement that this Rural Party in power now is taking Zimbabweans for fools.

In fact, Comrade Tichatonga posits that this mafia, besides being the law unto themselves, have decided to change the calendar and make every day an April fool’s day, and no prizes for guessing who their primary target for fools are.

The extents they have gone to justify their thievery, corruption, cronyism and nepotism have reached astronomical levels, and what is more, they are doing it with reckless abandon.

Comrade Tichatonga is watching on, wondering what happened to the ideals we all agreed to uphold when we were in the bush during ‘the protracted war of liberation, in which we lost thousands of dedicated patriotic cadres.’

Chero ukabvunza mibvunzo yakadai haaa it falls on deaf ears. They, quite frankly, no longer care about the sons and daughters of Zimbabwe these munts. Ko unoudza ani? Vanototi chero zvikaita basa zvine basa rei? The revolution is now eating its own children.

Ohh I always shoot from the hip, memories of war. Salutations! After a week investigating issues happening in the corridors of power Tichatonga will be wanting to belt out all before his small memory crushes with facts overload.

Greetings and salutations to you dear comrades, this is your one and trusted O’vet who witnessed the tribabilas incident; muera nhema who when he lies his teeth decay. The only academic credential I have is speaking truth to power.

It’s Easter season folks and I couldn’t help think of the parallels between the events and characters of Easter and the Zimbabwean situation. I deciphered a Judas Iscariot betraying the national hopes and aspirations of the Zimbabweans (Jesus) whom he is ruling by force.

Pane vana vaMwari, vari kutongwa, tichingotongwa neginya, isusu tisisade. Ukataurisa, mbama kumunhu! Haaa shuwa tinofara muZimbabwe kana Judas aita zvaakazoita aona kuti ummmmn, I have gone up shit Creek without a paddle.

Obert the catfish, kurisei kuZanu PF? By the way, I enjoyed your performance online this past week. You surely proved to be good for the interviewers training session as that has history of being shamed by those he interviews kkk.

Your reception though, I still maintain was meant for the Shake-Shake building. Yes; kumasese uko because that’s the only place such events are rife. Not this hoodwinking and masquerading the event as a matter of national interest.

Ko nhai maComrades, please dispel some ignorance here! I hear there is now a new kid on the block, SI Instrument something or other, which was promulgated musi uno, kukanzi it’s effective ipapo ipapo kkkk, inoshanda semushonga wemakonzo unouraya ipapo ipapo.

So, I want to believe that part of this is to boost the local car industry. Ndedzemawaya here mota dzacho or what? If so haaa isu vapfanha vepaMutapa tapinda! Ndekupiko muZimbabwe kuno assembliwa chero zvimudhudhudhu kana mabhasikoro zvawo? Ko Willowgate takatokanganwa here maComrades? Ummmn gentlemen, fools abound in Zimbabwe. Like father like son, I guess. Looks like there is truth in the statement…vana vebenzi havana zororo after all!

Iko tichafamba nemaTractorzve gore rino, Masvingo neCarpet hahaha, it makes sense doesn’t it? The number of sinkholes on the national highways can only be negotiated by tractors, because these are exempt from the import licencing in the Scarfmore/Mthuli Statutory Instrument. Plus plenty are donated to the Chimbwido’s usu vakabata gidi tichidya nhoko dzezvironda.

I would like to pay tribute to the Masvingo Polytechnical College students for the way they ‘warmly welcomed’ Mai Scarfmore Iscariot when she threatened to teach them how to cook mufushwa wenyevhe, nemutsine hahaha. That was classic. Student activism has to be reawakened. Thanks Masvingo Poly, let the good news filter to other institutions of higher learning, including the Chitepo School of Ideology, and the Lacoste School of Corruption too.

Speaking of Schools of Ideology, ko ndiyanizve ouya nePatriotism Bill obva ogarira kumhepo? Haaa zvimwe muti munotamba vakomana kkkk. So now it will soon be unpatriotic to denounce the godfathers and godmothers of corruption. The Rural Party is really taking arbitrary patronage to another level.

It wouldn’t be surprising to see Mwonzwora supporting such repressive laws since his is a product of Scarfmore’s Command Opposition. Hahaha, to quote a close development practitioner and ally, “Mwonzora will get far less votes than his posters with the way he is going.”


During the war, we learnt a bit of Marxism and Leninism, which gave birth to a Socialist Mugabeism and part of it was a clear understanding of the role of religion in national political dynamics. It is Easter as we explored earlier on.

Christianity, I was informed by a long-time religious comrade, Fr Fidelis Mukonori, has resurrection as one of its cornerstones. I looked at Zimbabwe in the light of the resurrection, and I discovered that ummmn there is no resurrection in sight.

Yes, the children of Zimbabwe will have a renewed hope in the spirit of Easter, but as for the State of Zimbabwe, resurrection of the economy and social structures haaaa ngatikanganwei zvedu as long as these mafiosos are occupying the high seats.

Congratulations on the Zimbabwe Worries, ohh sorry, Warriors, for qualifying for Afcon Cameroon. That is a silver lining on the dark cloud hanging on our country. Please Luga, please keep Chipezeze weMkoba stay as far away from our team as possible.

Asi manje Peter Ndlovu naBenjani Mwaruwaru zvavakura vasisatambe bhora, tichabatsirwa nani kubhadhara ndege, kutenga makits, kubhadhara matraining and boarding facilities? Nokuti haaaa zvekahurumende aka haaa kasingakwanisi kuvhara pothole repaParliament apo, handikaone kachiwana mari yekuti vana Khama naKaruru vanotandanisa chikumba chinemweya kuCameroon.

I am getting to that point where I feel those who work in cohorts with the ferret force would accuse me of yep-yep. Yes, like I always say, speaking your thoughts is a crime in Zimbabwe when it’s however permissible in our capital city South Africa kkk. If you know you know. Yes, through the Patriotic Bill they are officially planning to criminalise yep-yep kkk. Zvindinoona ini!

Before I go Comrades, back to the Midlands kwedu kwatinotongera nyika, I was so amazed to see that Minister wamunoti Mangaliso coming for a clean-up campaign only to pick a few planted plastics kuseri kweChaplin uko. Flanked by wedu Larry, then went to give speeches and off he went. Varume vanondishamisa ivava, doing things for the camera kkk. If hell is there these guys will surely roast because mmm.

Till next time folks, listen to yourself intently, join the voice, and add yours.


Regai ndimbokuchidzira mazondo angu. Mbuya Mafidhe vatosvina 7 days yacho, pfuko yemuzukuru is fermenting away. Pass my regards to MoreHardy and he is invited for two cups of the home brewn opaque. I will buy him two cups if he shows up.

Adious amigos.

Cde Tichatonga.


You may also like

Leave a Comment

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More