Even though I am a comrade, like a real future liberation war hero, our Minister of Rhumba granted me an interview, what he usually denies trained journalists. This was regardless of the fact that I have no press card. My war credentials were enough to gain me access and let alone be granted an interview fellow Comrades. Without wasting much of your time, below are the deliverables from the interview which I will not pre-empt at this stage. Your revolutionary; Cde Tichatonga is hereafter presented as C.T while our guest, the honorable or not-so-honorable (name him what you like), Minister of Rhumba is presented as Dr M. Yes, you are not getting it wrong comrades and friends Dr is for Doctor. Presenting him as a Doctor was inevitable lest I will be accused of racism against musicians who are currently earning/being awarded (who knows) Ministries and let alone Doctorates these days.
C.T: Dr, thank you very much for availing yourself for this interview and welcome.
Dr.M: Yes am here and before we go any further, I would like to announce my new collaboration with Silent McZoza of Masvingo and Van Choga. It won’t be rumba as usual my friend. They say attack while your enemy is on the weakest. I think by now you know what happened to the ‘Ngaibake duo during the Gara Mumba online concert. Hahaha, ndakutopinda tsano. Fans should…
C.T: [Interjects]…I beg your pardon Sir…
Dr.M: [As if he knew I wanted to whip him back into direction] …Ohh you are most welcome Cde, and we as government also appreciate it whenever we are afforded an opportunity to elucidate our policy framework and to dispel some myths and falsehoods that might have arisen ever since Cde ED took office after the coup, errr, sorry, since Mr Mugabe’s resignation.
C.T: We couldn’t help but notice you called the former president ‘Mr’, after years of him revered, Kudzanai Chipanga even equated him with Archangel Gabriel at some stage, is that how you refer to people who might have a different departure points from you?
Dr.M: Yes, where is the question in that? Even if you had bombed a chopper…agh, nxaaa, don’t start splitting hairs here young man.
C.T: May you please, Honorable, shed some light on the country’s preparedness to deal with the everpresent threat of a serious Covid-19 outbreak in highly populated areas around the country?
Dr.M: Yes, that’s a very poignant point question. The selection process for the Zimbabwe Warriors is well underway. The coaches have already been identified. We tried to recruit locally but thought against it based on two main points, the fact that some unruly local coaches want to be paid in forex and it is a considered government position that no local shall be paid in forex while on national duty, and 2, government, through the RBZ, is busy mobilising funds for command agriculture, which we expect to bolster food security especially fisheries.
C.T: Honorable, may we please stay within the parameters of the questions? That way we will have an intelligible end product to publish.
Dr.M: You see, that is what a lot of you young journalists miss, and lots of gullible detractors of the current government too, that everything, politically, is connected to everything. As we speak, are you aware of the fact that efforts are underway to revive the Jatropha plant and, as part of command agriculture, ensure thence, that the country has adequate supplies of fuel, and farmers will be receiving an adequate cash injection to kick start their jatropha cropping season.
Sakunda has already entered into a partnership with government on the purchase of jatropha nationwide as the sole buyer of the precious product. This is also connected the current exercise sanctioned by government to get the local authorities to clean up cities and reallocate vendors’ stalls where they can sell their wares in a clean and controlled way. In the same vein, government is also mobilising resources for the Zimbabwe Paralympics Team to travel so we also are busy capacitating the national courier to that end.
C.T: Dr, Dr, please let’s stay on the same page here. What has the Paralympic team have to do with COVID-19?
Dr.M: (shaking his head) you just don’t get it do you? Next question!
C.T: The finance Minister recently wrote to the International Financial Institutions, begging bowl in hand, for loans and bailout packages, much against his upbeat tone, admitting that Zimabwe is on the verge of an implosion. What is your take on that and also his assertion that the government is implementing Electoral Reforms and other reforms, is this a present reality and how is it being carried out?
Dr.M: The government has built and set up isolation Centers across the country to cope with an influx of cases should there be a spike in the number of Corona virus infections. Gweru has the biggest followed by Wilkins and others. These are the reforms we are implementing. We are leaving no screw unturned in our efforts to make Zimbabwe a viable investment destination and viable economy as per our pre-election promise mantra, Zimbabwe is open for business. When we talk of embarrassing, agrr not again, I mean embracing the new dispensation; we are talking nothing but attracting mega deals on every step we take.
C.T: (baffled) In terms of turning the economy around Minister, what do you think needs to be done? Let’s just look at how ZiscoSteel and ZimAllous, ZimGlass, Kariba Batteries, David Whitehead are faring in and around the Midlands to name but a few.
Dr.M: Why do you talk of entities which have been defunct for over a decade to two because of the illegal sanctions? The Golden leaf is now under the hammer and the relevant stakeholders are paying top dollar for it and we are set to reap a lot of forex from the export of tobacco and its products. The bumper harvest we experienced this year will surely prop the current government into the next election.
I do not understand the government’s fascination with MDC and its looming implosion. I hear of conspiracy theories of our infiltration into opposition politics and our supposed involvement in their internal strife, our meddling and the paying off Komichi and Mwonzora. Isn’t these chaps want to be recorded in history. You think they don’t know havana vanhu?
We simply look back and relax since the courts in charge of the matters know what we want in preparation for 2023. In fact, we should postpone election date as it should not be spared from the Covid-19 inflicted postponements of special events like marriages and in some instances, visiting the loo in respect of set conditions like disinfecting. Who affords buying disinfectant in Zimbabwe? The answer is obvious! Back to those gentlemen, they are not on our payroll, they and MDC are the least of our worries. Besides, what has that got to do with the price of tea in China?
C.T: I am struggling Honorable, to follow your logic here, but seeing as you brought the name China up, let’s explore the Look East policy versus the recent letter to the IFIs, Looking East, quite frankly Dr, seems to have yielded little in the way of easing our burden. What is your position on this issue?
Dr.M: The past few months have been especially difficult for our health delivery system. We have a few unpatriotic doctors and nurses in this country, rotten apples I would say. They put their salaries and PPE ahead of their hypocritical oaths. What, in the name of all that is holy and patriotic has a salary to do with saving all that is sacrosanct about life? People have been using forex to buy cars from Japan and South Africa, and then turn around to blame government and Zanu PF, I mean it’s not rocket science to see the balance of payments here also it’s country first, then the citizen. That is the ideology that drives our Social Contract.
C.T: Your arguments Honorable, do not seem to be orderly…
Dr.M: What is difficult here…?
C.T: We are talking about how to help the lot of our people here Honorable, and from history, since Black Friday, we have seen the economy spiraling out of control, the currency for example never recovered from that fall in 1997 to date, despite the gedyegedye fallacy of late, is there a rescue plan on the horizon should the plea to the IFIs fall through?
Dr.M: I am sure you are well aware of the qualifications our Minister of Finance has and his international pedigree, he is a very capable man. So is Dr Panonetsa Mangundya despite the challenges our fiscus has been experiencing, we remain optimistic that it will soon be a thing of the past.
C.T: How can you say that Honorable (silently screaming Dishonorable) when 20 year olds now have never been able to use a stable Zimdollar? And some of them have joined their siblings and parents in making Shona (and other Zimbabwean languages) an international language! There seems to be no hope in sight for economic recovery.
Dr.M: Our President is a decorated war veteran who bombed the tribabilas and lawyer, he is a multi-millionaire business tycoon in his own right like Cyril Ramaphosa, and so the country’s economy is in good hands. Besides, he has recently been awarded a Doctorate by the University of Zambia where he studied law.
C.T: May you please answer the question with factual examples of the government’s rescue plans Honourable, should the Bretton Woods Institutions decide not to loan Zimbabwe some money?
Dr.M: Asante Sana. I thank you.
C.T: [Remains silent in shock after Dr.M calls security to vacate him from his office immediately] Leaving his office without complications, as I never resisted, I was certain this ‘nigga’ wasn’t even close to being sane. Maybe his friends included, those he wines and dine with. Ehe maBig Boss iwawo!
Without further ado Comrades, mface akutaura zvekuenda kuGara Mumba uyu akuziva here kuti kuna Winky D let alone Jah Prayzer is yet to show up! Hahaha zvimwe muti munotamba chiremba!
Adious Amigos, song, wine, pork bones and sadza.
Till next time folks, – I am your Cde in arms.