Once upon a time there was a Crocodile and his nephew in Chief Dzimbabwe’s land. Crocodile had, in the past 30 years, been making sure that the young crocs in the local rivers paid homage and allegiance to him by cajoling the mature ones amongst the family into towing his line, he would shed tears at funerals and bare his teeth at the slightest hint of opposition.
He was slowly becoming a power unto himself. A totalitarian, the Alpha Croc. Sometimes, which in fact was often, Crocodile had dissent crushed ruthlessly because one ‘errant’ teenager was starting to awaken from his slumber and noticing that Papa Croc and his council members were now getting so comfy and were now unashamedly defecating in the shared waters.
One day uncle Croc said to his nephew, ‘Muzukuru, huya tibikane…’
Ohh I always shoot from the hip; memories of war. Salutations! After a week investigating issues happening in the corridors of power Comrade Tichatonga will be wanting to belt out all before his small memory crushes with facts overload.
Greetings and salutations to you dear comrades, this is your one and trusted O’vet who witnessed the tribabilas incident; muera nhema who when he lies his teeth decay. The only academic credential I have is speaking truth to power.
So, we are once again witnessing unprecedented politics at play in Zimbabwe.
Mukoma Douggie is making headlines for all the wrong reasons. Haaaa zvakaoma hazvo. So yes, admittedly, being a shrewd lawyer with the patience of a vulture, he has managed to read and interpret the statutes in Zimbabwe so well that lawfare is now his best political tool.
He has managed to locate the cracks in the legal construct and understandably used it to his advantage. Yes, he has won over the law, but isn’t it the people whom he should be seeking to endear himself to? Or is he using the pseudo-Rural Party tactics of coercion via the legal route?
He managed to successfully employ lawfare to get the MDC T Presidency and as democracy would have it, he also successfully pulled a fast one on Madam Khupe, an erstwhile opposition stalwart who is now slowly dying a natural death.
Again, through lawfare, Mukoma Douggie managed to get into Harvest House, aided in part by armed government law enforcement agents…and knowing how Zanufied our police and military are, Cde Tichatonga is still paineds to understand how on God’s green Earth this happened?
Shuwa herekufarira n’anga inobata mai. Dougie ka…
Over the past few years, we have noticed, for those like Comrade Tichatonga, who reads the Hansard frequently, that Parliament has become the lower house of Shake Shake Building. Those Rural Party MPs do not go to Parliament to debate statutes and bills…or to contribute meaningfully to improving the lot of the people via respective Parliamentary Portfolio Committees, they go to vote bills proposed in Shake Shake House into law. Simple!
So now Scarfmore has once again triumphed in getting the support of the opposition to pass a law that allows him to appoint judges and his deputies without public interviews and voting respectively. Kana kuri kungwara toda kuona kazvinsvika
If Dougie and cronies only knew they are supporting a person who was fighting from the rear while we fought day and night in the front, he would think otherwise I tell you. Zvinorwadza mhani. We went to war so that our children, grandchildren and many other generations that come after them would enjoy the fruits of freedom but 40 chakadero years tichiri kungodya nhoko dzezvironda. Siye kugadzira nyika vanhu sika-sika nekugadzira simba. Haa nxaa mhani!
The honest truth though is that the amendment would have still sailed through had Douggie not supported it. The Rural Party is the majority in Parliament. I hear Douggie then called a presser to explain his actions and expound how the amendment is good for Zimbabwe and not for us to be side-lined by 2 not so palatable clauses at the expense of 8 pro-women ones! Zvinopedza simba izvi!
Anyway, well done Mukoma Douggie! We honestly don’t care Mukoma, all we know and are watching is that you are supping with the devil. And try as you may, your journey to endearment by the public will be a very long and lonely one, which will end in Dokora tears.
Cde Tichatonga once studied law but then finances and inflation in Zimbabwe made sure he wouldn’t complete his studies – me thinks he would have been a politician now. It seems every politician is now studying law.
Hanzi chero Kasukuwere vakaona kuti zveBoxing hazvishande vakati better kutsvaga kupfeka wig uchipopota mumatare edzi mhosva, Fulcrum Malaba akatarisa kkkk. Ohh and before I forget, can someone tell me what happened to Advocate Thabani Mpofu’s case yekuti he manufactured a person who does not exist? Haaaa pamberi nekutongwa nembudzi!
Ko hapanawo anokwanisa kuudza Bertha Mwonzora kuti ambonyarara? Ahhh isu vana Comrade Tichatonga tozoonaka sekuti verbosity and public indecency is genetically transmitted. Me thinks her foot is strawberry flavoured, she is one little girl who loves to put her foot in her mouth and shout loud nothings. Nyaya yako ndeyeiko nhai mwanasikana? Please just wear your miniskirts and look pretty with your mouth closed. Maybe it should open for other things but political rhetoric.
Ko hanzi kuswera nezuro uno pane helicopter ‘isiri iyo’ yakadonha? Nhai Gandanzara wakadiiko kundiudzawo? I hear a beautiful young lady and a gentleman passed on? I am so sorry to hear that, and the family whose house the helicopter fell on. Please accept my condolences. Zvakaoma hazvo, especially considering the life of a 2-year-old who won’t live to see a better Zimbabwe. The one not governed by this Rural Party.
A fellow scavenger kuno kuDumpsite akanga aakutonanga kumba kunogeza awaiting celebrations achifunga kuti it’s the new helicopter that had fallen! Kkkk. What a disappointed woman she was!
‘2023 tinenge tichiripoooo‘…and now I hear the Rural Party has specifically endorsed the government’s buying of a helicopter apparently because Scarfmore needs to reach the inaccessible corners of Rural Zimbabwe to appeal to voters there for the 2023 election. See why I call it a Rural Party? Zvekugadzira road pasi tsve, taaaande kuchikopokopo. Ko kutyei muri vanhu vangu? Zvikanetsa tokugadzirirai Patriotic Act.
It’s crystal clear, the Rural Party are the sole custodians of patriotism in Zimbabwe. Being patriotic, in their warped thinking, means exclusively towing the rogue Rural Party line of corruption, nepotism, violence, maiming and murders, looting and bootlicking. God help us. Cry Zimbabwe.
But then in Zimbabwe, even kuchema ikoko kunorovesa, kana kutourayisa. This government has gone rogue, they have thrown the social contract out through the window, and now the citizens are now subjects.
I am getting to that point where I feel those who work in cohorts with the ferret force would accuse me of yep-yep. Yes, like I always say, speaking your thoughts is a crime in Zimbabwe when it’s however permissible in our capital city South Africa kkk. If you know you know. Yes, through the Patriotic Bill they are officially planning to criminalise yep-yep kkk.
Before I go Comrades, back to the Midlands kwedu kwatinotongera nyika, I was so amazed to learn Dougie even has lured a considerable number of people including, should I say the once trusted Brian Dube. Zvakureva here kuti Gweru Urban haichina mubereki? Regai timboona kwazvinosvika.
On another note, am told a whole WhatsApp group meant to communicate ward developments and administered by Councillor Magidi is now a porn hub. Hatizivi kuti vakukurudzira development here or zvatove zvimwe. Tinyareiwo gentlemen please!
Till next time folks, listen to yourself intently, join the voice, and add yours.
Regai ndimbokuchidzira mazondo angu. Mbuya Mafidhe vatosvina 7 days yacho, pfuko yemuzukuru is fermenting away. Pass my regards to MoreHardy and he is invited for two cups of the home brewn opaque. I will buy him two cups if he shows up.